The caregiver or caregivers also need treatment as well as the
patient. I also knew I hated dementia in any form because of how it slowly robs you of the person you knew. With dementia they slowly fade away and it's hard to remember the person you once knew. I'm still going to do a Blog. about what I have noticed as a Care- giver and ways to cope with a sometimes thankless job that can really take its toll on every body involved. I also believe we can support each other through advice, prayer and encouragement. I'm not a professional but I have learned a lot of things by trial and error, and I have so much more to learn. Although I believe it's extremely important for the Caregivers needs to be addressed, I still think it's very important to do everything we can to document and remember the person they once were. Paul Diane's Story I met Diane through mutual friends when we were both living and working in the Woodstock area in Northeast Portland. We both had just gone through gut wrenching divorces and not looking for a serious relationship at the time. I found out that she had been in a terrible auto accident with her husband, Kim , and he was left a quadriplegic. They had been hit head on by a couple young boys in their dad's car and they didn't have drivers licenses or insurance. I was also made aware that they had lost their boy Eric when he was only four months old. This young lady was left with a huge responsibility of taking care of her husband. She did everything from giving shots, feeding, bathing and everything else that goes with taking care of a quadriplegic. Even when they sent him to different hospitals that were out of town she would follow him to the next destination. She would get a little apartment, find a job and then spend the rest of her time in the hospital with him. She did this for a few years, but they were not doing well relationship wise. Her husband had been a man who was very active and was the provider for his family. He had a good job with the railroad, and now he was completely dependent on others. Diane became the one who received the most abuse resulting from his frustrations. One thing that didn't help their relationship was before the accident they lost their Baby Boy in a Crib type death at around four months old. Diane had been through a lot and she was still young at around twenty four years old. They did separate amicably and were friends tell he died years later . He was able to rebuild his life and even remarried and had a child . Diane was able to introduce to him our son, Tim, and I believe that touched him. When Diane and I first met she really had her guard up and was really protecting her heart. I was a little bit in the same situation and wasn't looking to commit that soon after just going through a divorce. It wasn't love at first sight but, she was beautiful and really didn't show much interest in me. I had to know her a little better so I started my pursuit . I made sure we were in the same place as much as I could orchestrate it. After we were able to hang out for awhile we became very comfortable with each other. That's what eventually drew us together. I was so comfortable with her and she said I let her be herself. Diane's self esteem was really low from never having a positive support system. Our marriage was a little rocky at first as we were learning to understand each other. She really tried hard to please me, but really got upset if you said anything that critiqued her in any way. I found out early she could lose her temper really quickly and it could be quite an eruption. One of things I learned to love about her the most is how soon she was over it. I remember shortly after we first married we made a trip to Idaho to celebrate Thanksgiving at my parents house along with a lot of my family. While traveling I said something that really upset her and she was furious. When we got to my parents house she went upstairs right away. Relating to my previous marriage I felt this was probably one of the shortest unions in history. After a half hour or so she came down and I was preparing for the worst. She smiled and acted like nothing had happened, what a wonderful feeling knowing that she wasn't going to make me pay for eternity . I just became a little more in love with this feisty Lady. Diane really wanted to have a baby as soon as possible, she was concerned about her age. In those days it wasn't considered normal to be pregnant after the age of thirty. She agreed with me that we could wait one year before we tried. I found out after a while she quit taking precautions after six months. I wasn't as desperate for a baby as she was since I had a beautiful daughter from my first marriage. I thought my daughter Leslie was the most beautiful little girl a dad could have. Diane and Leslie bonded pretty well although there was a period of time it was a little rocky between the two. Diane was trying to treat Leslie like she would if she was her own. Since Leslie didn't live with us it made it hard for Diane to administer discipline. We decided that Diane could leave that part up to me and she wouldn't need to worry about it. Since then they became the best of friends. Anytime there was any type of family conflict it was Leslie taking Diane's side . Leslie did come and stay with us one school year while she was in grade school. Diane's prayers were realized in November of nineteen seventy four, she had a baby boy and we named him Timothy Michael Ray. Diane was a great mother even though she was probably little over protective. After losing her first child she was really watching over this one. When Leslie would come to visit they would squabble quite a bit when we were home, but told me later they got a long beautifully when we were gone. They grew up to love each other, and became the best Aunt and Uncle for their Nephews. Diane use to tell me that she wasn't the most intelligent person in the world but, she had common sense. I would have to argue with her notion of intelligence , I think she was plenty smart. Diane found out later in life that she suffered from Dyslexia, after our son was diagnosed with it. Diane had been told she was lazy, stupid and didn't apply herself in learning. It was such a relief for to find out there was a reason for her difficulty in learning. I believe the best gift I gave her was letting her know what a gift she was to us. She had so much value just the way she was. I think we could all agree that DIane wasn't the most domestic person in the world. She would do what she needed to do to take care of her family. We do miss how she could get us in the holiday spirit. She would be decorating, baking cookies, and making fudge. She got everybody Easter Egg Baskets even after they left home. Valentines Day, Halloween and any other holiday that came along she was leading the way in the spirit of the season. You should have seen her get into character when dressing up for Halloween ! I have to admit she was an enabler to me but I'm not complaining. I would have projects to do and would put them off, I might even take a nap. She would tell me you must have needed the rest, how could you not love her? Diane really loved her mom, Shirley, and we would go down to Portland from Chehalis Washington at least once a month and sometimes twice. We did this for a period of four or five years. After a period of time we started to notice a change in Shirley's personality . She was repeating herself a lot, becoming agitated easily, and preparing some weird combinations in the kitchen. When we would mention it to Harry, Diane's dad, he would refuse to acknowledge it. He chose to be in denial for quite a while. Eventually I was chosen to be the one to sit him down and convince him to find out what was going on. After testing they determined she had Alzheimer's and the family was able to address it. |
Diane's Story
Eventually we all moved down to Warrenton Oregon so we would be close to her parents and Diane could be there for her mom and to help her dad. We decided that we should get a place together when Shirley became more dependent on someone to take care of her personnel needs, and Harry was really having a hard time. Long story short Diane became a Caregiver of a Loved One once again. Our family really went through some changes with everybody under the same roof. We have an adopted boy named Jacob and I told you about our biological son, Tim,. Jacob was from Korea and had learning disabilities and this was really going to make it more difficult for a six year old. To make it even more complicated is that Shirely did not like Jacob. We would catch her making faces and saying I hate you to him. This really surprised us since she was always such a loving person. This disease is so ugly in so many ways! I'm really proud of both of my boys, they had to take the back seat to their Grandparents needs while they were living with us. Not only did Shirely have Alzheimer's but Harry was diagnosed with cancer not to long after they moved in with us. Not only did it double Diane's responsibilities as a Caregiver we needed to be there for Tim in his High School years. Tim was such a trooper during this time of upheaval in our home. His Grandma did some really crazy things to and around his friends when they would come over. Tim never complained and I never knew until he was much older that he had been teased and laughed at because of his Grandma. Harry and the boys got along really well and that really helped with the home environment. Jacob seems to adapt so well and what an example of a survivor. He is such a good boy how could you not love him? Before Harry's cancer had escalated to a level that he needed lots of support himself, we could get away for a break a few hours at a time. When Harry's cancer became so problematic and life threatening Hospice came in to help with his care. They would send someone out a couple times a week for two or three hours. We wondered why we were gaining so much weight during this time, when a couple only gets a couple hours to get out in rainy Astoria what do you do? You eat that's what you do, with the everyday stress and all you do is eat for entertainment you get fat. We had Diane's parents living with us at least six years and maybe seven. It was really hard watching these relative young people deteriorating into somebody you would have a hard time recognizing. They both were very distinguished and handsome people in their mid sixties. Diane was very responsible and very particular about their care. The rest of our family did as much to help as we could to help but, Diane got the brunt of their care. One of the problems of being a full time caregiver is it can put you in a Bubble, and keep you out of the hectic world outside your personnel environment. This is a very protected environment as long as the patents need your care. Her mom Shirley finely succumbed to Alzheimer's and I believe her dad decided he could leave also. He passed away about a month later. Diane's life had kinda been put on hold for the past few years and now she could start thinking about the next phase of her life. She did start substituting at the school and eventually became full time at ESD. Diane seemed to really enjoy this job, and made some good friends while she was there. I believe she did this for at least two years, and during this time I was at home for an extended amount of time. I did a lot of fishing and the cooking at home. I believe Diane was really enjoying her freedom and the job gave a feeling of self worth. I was getting something's done around the house and life was pretty peaceful. I was also really involved in a lot of areas at our church. I've never been a person that liked a 9 to 5 jobs or working for a hourly wage. I want to be paid for the amount of my production. During this time while I was the House Husband if you will, I was also looking for other ways to make a income. We did have rentals and Diane had been a great partner when we would fix them up. She could really get into the painting and didn't worry about how much paint got on her. One afternoon during this time I was listening to Seven Hundred Club on TV, and they had Gary Heavin on who had started the Curves for Women gym. After I heard him tell about this opportunity I liked the way it sounded and decided to follow it up. When Diane got home that night I told her I knew what we were going to do. She laughed and told me maybe I felt like we should do this, but that didn't mean she did. I found out they had one in our town and after she tried it out she was sold. Diane had been suffering with problems with her feet and she was under strict orders of only low impact exercises. Curves would let her do that with out hurting her feet. At the time we couldn't find an area that would work anywhere near to where we lived in Warrenton. Within the next year we raised the funds, sold rentals, was approved for a area in Portland, took training in Texas, found a building and remodeled it, and had our Grand Opening in December of 2002. When I first heard about Curves I knew it was a women's club and I didn't figure that I would be able to be in the gym. I liked the idea, that I could do the business end, promoting , advertising and Diane could work inside the club with the women. Oh ! I might do a little fishing also .. When we went back to Texas for our training, Gary Heavin told us there wasn't any reason why men couldn't work in the clubs. I had to change my plans with a whole lot of intense encouragement from Diane. With Diane and I as a team we opened up our business just before Christmas in 2002. I have to admit this was a rewarding time for both of us. I made sure she was the face of the club and I stayed in the background. Being a owner of a successful business really lifted her spirits and self worth , it was exciting watching her grow in her confidence. She was scared to death when we first opened, and was so shaken during her first one on one presentation. After awhile she would sit down with one to four clients at a time and would most often sign them all up. I was so excited and proud watching her sprouting her wings. We had the business for a total of ten years, and the first five years were really exciting and fun. But then Diane's feet really began to really give her a lot of trouble . She had neuropathy in both feet and had a terrible time with all the complications. This really drug her down and we we're starting to notice some of the symptoms her mother had with Alzhiemers. I had to step up and take a lot bigger role in the club. She finely had to have some major surgeries and this just really escalated her mental decline. She was under anesthesia for long periods of time and was never really able to fully recover mentally. She was officially diagnosed with Alzhiemers in 2010. We sold our business on March 31, of 2012 and now Diane is the one being given the care. I believe she deserves the best and we haven't given up on her healing. If I concentrate really hard I can see your bright light shining oh so brightly. " We love you Diane" Note: I couldn't include all of the things Diane had done in her Life, but I would like to point out when I met her she was a Teller in a Bank, and had done that off and on for years . Also when she was younger she went to beauty school so hair cuts were not an expense in our house. paul |